Octopussy (1983)

Bond13

Dave’s 3-Word Review:
Just leave, Roger.

I hate it when actors overstay their welcome, don’t you? Technically, I don’t think Roger Moore was ever actually welcome in the Bond universe. Certainly not 007 himself, but hey, I guess somewhere in the world he has a fan base. A majority of his flicks I don’t like, and the one that everyone hates from Moore I actually did like…maybe it’s backwards month or something, I just don’t like Moore. Typically, I find him as this half-witted comedian, and Moonraker was the only one that actually felt fitting to his James Bond. That film didn’t exactly fit with James Bond, but hey, neither does Roger Moore ;). Now. We have Octopussy, a film that just stopped attempting to make clever titles.

The plot this time around has to do with jewel-smuggling or something. These…royal eggs are being sold in an auction, and I guess they shouldn’t be, because MI6’s best agent, 007 is put on the job of finding out what’s been going on. Basically, you could probably guess what was really going on, because it had to do, once again, with nuclear missiles. So Bond must battle even more unforgettable foes and spend the night at an island that is only inhabited by sexy ladies. Poor James…more like poor ladies. At this point, Roger Moore was pushing 60.

Sixty? To be honest, he was 56 years old when this film came out, and unfortunately this wasn’t his final performance as James Bond. He still had A View to Kill in 1985 – you know, when he was 58. Something is wrong with this picture. If his age made a difference in this film (which it did), imagine how it is in A View to Kill. One of James Bond’s attributes is being charming to get the ladies. I can’t imagine Moore as being a lady killer anymore. Well…maybe the plot of his next film will be a little more enticing than this one.

The plot in this film is again, overdone. If I hear nuclear missiles as being the main story one more time…which I will…my next movie is Never Say Never Again, the remake of Thunderball. Maybe I’ll have a little lenience to a remake, though. Anyways, Octopussy’s plot was just…stupid. Beyond the nuclear missiles, half of the film took place on a circus, to which Moore actually dawned a clown costume, alluding to how I really feel about him in general anyways. Roger Moore is a clown. James Bond isn’t. This whole movie was a big joke, even the title.

I don’t even know how this series stayed alive. The character originally created for James Bond is practically completely dead. Think about it. British Secret Service…and apparently that means puns and clown costumes from a man pushing 60? Right now, I’m pretty much begging for Timothy Dalton to show up. Sure, those golden eggs are pretty, and the stuff on the train was entertaining enough, but I wouldn’t even call it memorable. The only thing memorable in this film is the infamous clown scene.

The Bond girls are forgettable, even the title character, Octopussy. The spy gadgets are incredibly stupid, including a submarine disguised as an alligator. When it comes to Roger Moore and alligator’s I prefer Live and Let Die with the actual jump across the gators. I hate to say it, but Octoussy is currently my least favorite Bond film. I heard the film was successful, but I don’t know how on earth it was in 1983 past being a James Bond film in general.

Throughout Octopussy, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Make it stop”. What has happened to this series?

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